Different Ways Friends React To Cancer

I’m discovering which friends make good ‘cancer friends’. I myself, have never been a good ‘cancer friend’, as I had fallen into several patterns that I see now in my friendship circle. I had a friend from high school who had cancer, and I was so scared of saying the wrong thing I hardly said anything. I was afraid of losing her, I was crying for her, having no hope, and didn’t know how to articulate it.

I emailed her several years into her recovery, apologizing for not being as supportive as I wanted to be. She said “I know how you feel, many of my friends were that way, and I understood you just couldn’t support me like you wanted too. But I knew your heart, and God gave me other cancer survivors to supply my need then”. She was so gracious.

A friend called last night, with a word-for word replay of this very conversation!  She said “I saw you in church, I cried. I think about your kids, your situation, I cry. When I got the email, I just couldn’t believe it, NOT YOU!”  It is funny, you, the sick one, find yourself in a place of comforting others in their sadness over your situation. You don’t get the grace for the place until you are in it.

Some friends ignore you – I’m ok with that, but there are some funny reasons in addition to not knowing what to say. I try and smile at them from far away to let them know we’re good, they can talk when they are ready.

Some friends ignore the subject entirely – You can still see it in the back of their eyes, though. So I give them a two sentence update and go back to the topic they are safe with.

Some friends get mad at you – Two friends actually told me they were ANGRY at me for having cancer (as if I ASKED for it!) because it will change our friendship.

Some friends say: “You’ll be just fine” – Please, do NOT say that to someone with cancer. There is no promise of ‘fine’. Just make sure to add an ‘insha’allah’ and then it is fine to say

Some friends want to take over your life management – Especially my type “A” friends who really haven’t ever trusted my random way of living, they perhaps think I will kill myself treating cancer like I do housekeeping.

Some friends burst into tears every time they talk to you – They have imagined every worst case scenario for you in advance, can see your widowed husband, mother-less kids. They also didn’t get the grace for my place, but I impart it to them. It also helps when I don’t fall apart while they are.

Some friends have really encouraging cancer stories to tell - Thyroid cancer is one of the RAREST cancers, but it seems every second email has a story of a friend who has survived it. Several friends had miraculous cancer healings, one from Hodgkin’s Lymphoma where she was given 6 months to live, and when they began surgery, all her tumors were gone.

Some friends have less encouraging dog cancer stories to tell - Everyone wants to find a point of relating, but when they go into their dog’s long, slow painful death due to cancer, they lose me. I’m glad they had such great pets, but I don’t like being made analogous with canines.

Some friends are triggered by my cancer to remember painful deaths – That is a beautiful place to be allowed into, to listen and have compassion as they re-live that memory through me.

But most of my friends, on and off-line, have been so amazingly balanced and supportive of our whole family. Oh my goodness, I could REALLY play the cancer card, everyone is asking if I need meals, baby-sitting, car-pooling. One friend gave me a fully loaded ‘pamper-package’  including a Spa Kinda massage!! When surgery time comes, we will be SO set!!!

This majority ask for the details and help as they can, but also allow me to be normal and talk about normal life, as cancer is invading life, but not taking it over. I appreciate this so much, as none of us let cancer define me or our friendship at this point.

One thing that has encouraged me is a part of a letter from Corrie Ten Boom, the Dutch Christian whose family went to concentration camps for their part in providing refuge for Jews during WWII. The topic is martyrdom, but it applies to any situation requiring out-of-the-ordinary strength from God:

“When I was a little girl, “ I said, “I went to my father and said, “Daddy, I am afraid that I will never be strong enough to be a marty for Jesus Christ.” “Tell me,” said Father, “When you take a train trip to Amsterdam, when do I give you the money for the ticket? Three weeks before?”  “No, Daddy, you give me the money for the ticket just before we get on the train.” “That is right,” my father said, “and so it is with God’s strength. Our Father in Heaven knows when you will need the strength to be a martyr for Jesus Christ. He will supply all you need—just in time…”