I have been thinking that loving a country is a lot like loving in marriage.
When one is falling in love, it is usually based a bit selfishly, on how the other loves you. It is the rush of affection and validation that inspires us to love back. The person’s personal assets just sweeten the deal.
Had as we try to get to ‘know’ the person, there are aspects of self that are intentionally kept hidden, only revealed as commitment is ramped up. Degrees of revelation of our ‘worst’ are partitioned out in an almost calculated manner as we feel safe that the bonds of love are strong enough to carry them.
We all wear a ‘love-mask’, putting forth our best self, and working very hard to conform who we really are to the mask we create. If there isn’t a huge disconnect, love actually helps us become that best self. Sometimes we re-create ourselves into what we think our beloved wants, but it isn’t at all their desire. Sometimes the person we try to be has no basis in reality whatsoever, and we live in fear of being exposed.
There are aspects of our ‘selves’ that even we are not aware of, and don’t come up until we are in the crucible of committed relationship. Love brings out the best, due to it’s nurturing, but also can give us freedom to be accepted even when the mask slips and out pops something really ugly that we didn’t even know was there.
The honeymoon stage of living in a new country is a lot like the six months after the wedding. You immerse yourself in all the new feelings, identities, smells, tastes and conversations, and become a changed person. It feels right, it feels new. There are certain elements that you love most of all, and you wonder how you ever lived without them.
Reality then sets in, You see the motivations of the heart behind the actions, and sometimes they are not you-centered, but self-centered on the part of the other person. Sometimes the things you loved most about a person become the things that drive you crazy.
You fail each other,
disappoint each other,
even at times intentionally hurt each other.
Your spouse becomes a mirror of your own sin-nature, it is hard to look at what they see in you.
Feelings of love fade, you wonder if you would have made that choice if you had known then what you know now.
Shockingly, you discover in spite of all that, you love your spouse more than ever. You have begun to build your home on the foundation of real-life commitment, not on feelings.
You learn to overlook those faults, without being in denial
you help overcome them
you learn to work harder at your own weaknesses, out of love for your spouse.
You grab hold of the spouses vision for you and for the marriage, and likewise.
What keeps you going then is that fact you made a commitment for the other person’s best.
That is sometimes how I feel about living in Jordan.
For better or for worse (for both of us!), I committed to this country. I am invested. I am passionate about Jordan,
This Jersey-sized sliver of desert between Iraq and a Hard Place. Several Hard Places.
This place of refuge, the oasis of calm in an interesting neighborhood.
I am passionate about Jordanians,with their passionate, giving, stubborn, hyper-relational and wonderfully intrusive way of loving me back. Jordanians, like Americans, make me both crazy and crazy in love. And I make them crazy in return.
May God bless Jordan, her King, her government, her army, her business sector, her mothers, fathers, daughters and sons:may He facilitate Jordan’s best to be accomplished in spite of all the odds stacked against her.
(thanks to Big Ole Jim, who inspired this post with his)
Love it
, and Love you.
Iraq and a hard place? I love it! Never heard that before – I will be quoting you on this frequently.
))
So it’s not just me then!
Love you back Robin!!!! Enjoy your honeymoon!
Emi, so glad you like it! I think the term was coined around the first Gulf War, when scuds were flying overhead between the Rock and Hard Place
John, no indeed!
I heard once that in order to live and survive in the Arab world, one has to be a schizophrenic. One personality in public, and another in private. More so if you are a native of these lands. Less so if you’re an expat.
This is a wonderful post, Kinzi! Thank you for writing it! Living as an expat in Jordan really is like a love affair that blossoms into a committed relationship. I’ve never once regretted my decision to come here. A few times I’ve questioned the sanity of it, but not the decision. I found something here that was completely lacking in my life back in the states and now I can’t imagine living without it! By the way, I like “Iraq and a hard place” too, and I’m sure I’ll be using it in my own blog someday.
Blue Oyster, there have been those who have said I am schizo to live here. It is true, although I would venture to say some Jordanians would say the same thing about Americans or anyone maybe: public and private face are two sides of the same coin. BUT, it is when the two sides have to operate in two different value systems there is a problem.
Jim, GOSH I FORGOT TO SAY! !!!! This post was inspired by your post!! I was thinking about foreigners you have met who seem less than willing to love life here, and Boom, the words came flowing. Thank you! when I get my little project done, I will link you up in the body of the piece.
You mean hard as we try to know that person.
Love this post! So right on , for me anyways!
I’m always rooting for you!